I MISS MY FRIEND

WE LIVE, LEARN AND GROW APART. WHY IS THAT? IN THE PROCESS OF BECOMING, I DID THINGS THAT WERE PROBABLY ANNOYING TO THOSE I CARE ABOUT. I KEPT DOING IT BECAUSE THEY NEVER SAID STOP OR NO OR I'M NOT INTERESTED IN THAT OR LETS JUST STICK TO THE STUFF WE HAVE IN COMMON. ANY CLUE ASIDE FROM SILENCE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALRIGHT. I NEVER NEEDED ANYONE TO WALK ON EGG SHELLS AROUND ME. PAIN GOES AWAY, BUT THE PAIN OF LOSING FRIENDS IS LIKE A SHOT TO THE HEART. SOMETIMES WHAT WE DO UNKNOWINGLY HURTS SOMEONE WE CARE ABOUT OR BREACHES A TRUST OR UNDERSTANDING.GOOD COMMUNICATION WOULD KEEP THIS FROM EVER BEING SOMETHING THAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THAT PERSON GOING FORWARD. 

WHY, IS NEVER DISCUSSED. TIME GOES BY AND THEN YOU ONLY THINK OF THEM WHEN YOU LOOK BACK. LOOKING BACK IS THE PAST. I MAY VISIT, BUT I CANT LIVE THERE. EVERYTHING THAT TELLS ME TO MOVE FORWARD IS DONE WITH A SENSE OF LOSS. WHY CANT I JUST DO WHAT I SAY? I SAY I LOVE PEOPLE FOR WHERE THEY ARE, HOW THEY ARE AND AS THEY ARE, BUT MY ACTIONS MAKE ME COME OFF AS SOME SUPER HAMSTER ON A PATH TO GREATNESS THAT MANY OF MY FRIENDS ARE NOT ON BOARD WITH. I SAY I OPERATE IN SERVICE TO OTHERS, BUT DO I REALLY? BECAUSE SOMEONE NEVER HEEDS ADVICE FROM ME, SHOULD I STOP GIVING IT? THEY DIDN'T ASK FOR IT, BUT DONT WE WANT THE BEST FOR OUR FRIENDS? SOMETIMES ITS BETTER TO JUST LISTEN TO FIND OUT HOW YOU CAN HELP. 

I CAN SAY WITH MY WHOLE HEART THAT I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT. I HAD UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS BASED ON WHERE I AM AND EXPECTING THAT EVENTUALLY THE CAPACITY FOR GROWTH WOULD KEEP US ALL CONNECTED. THIS CONFUSED ME TO NO END AND STILL DOES. WHY SHOULD IT MATTER THAT PEOPLE I LOVE ARE IN THE SAME SITUATIONS THEY CLAIM TO HATE BEING IN? WHY IS CHANGE ADAPTATION MORE DIFFICULT FOR SOME THAN OTHERS. WHAT IS THE BELIEF SYSTEM THAT SAYS ITS OK TO REMAIN THE SAME EVEN IF IT DOESN'T ALIGN WITH HOW YOU WOULD LIKE THINGS TO BE. MY BELIEF DEVELOPED TO BE: IF NOTHING CHANGES, NOTHING CHANGES. I FEEL THIS IS TRUE. I SEE IT. IT HAPPENS IN MY OWN LIFE STILL AND I SEE IT IN THE LIVES OF OTHERS I KNOW. WHAT THEN, HOW DO I SHOW I CARE? ITS NOT IMPORTANT THAT I AM RIGHT. I'M NO BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE. I EAT, SLEEP, BLEED AND SHIT JUST LIKE ANY OTHER HUMAN  BEING, YET I FEEL SO DISCONNECTED FROM MANY.

I MISS MY FRIEND. I HOPE SHE KNOWS IT AND I HOPE WE CAN MOVE FORWARD BY PUTTING THE PAST TO REST. POSTING A QUOTE TO PINTEREST IS NOT GOING TO COMMUNICATE THE LOSS I FEEL FOR WHO WE WERE WHEN WE SPENT TIME. THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I KNEW WE HAD TO DO SOMETHING WE BOTH ENJOY OR WE'LL LOSE THIS: OUR FRIENDSHIP, SO COMPLICATED WHEN IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE. I WENT THROUGH THE MOST DARKEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE AND FELT I COULDN'T SHARE BECAUSE WHY? THIS IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT HAS BOTHERED ME. TO KNOW THAT I COULD HAVE LEFT THIS LIFE WITHOUT TELLING THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL ABOUT THEM. ITS DISTURBING. SO WHILE I HAVE CHANGED THERE ARE STILL THINGS ABOUT ME THAT REMAIN THE SAME. HOW I COMMUNICATE WITH PEOPLE. NOBODY WANTS TO SOLVE A PUZZLE OR CODE TO GET WHAT I'M SAYING. THERE IS NO ONE THING I COULD SAY THAT WOULD BE UNDERSTOOD ACROSS THE BOARD. SO MANY DIFFERENT SOULS ON DIFFERENT LEVELS OF THEIR OWN LIFE PATH. ITS NOT WRONG, IT IS WHAT IT IS. HOW WE TREAT EACH OTHER IS WHAT MATTERS AND WHILE I HAVE ENDED FRIENDSHIPS IN THE PAST, I AM IN TROUBLE HERE. SHE GETS ME. HER SOUL IS AS OLD AS MINE BUT, THERE IS A MAJOR AGE GAP. NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE. WHY NOW?

I WANT THE BEST FOR HER, I JUST IMAGINED THAT I'D BE THERE TO SEE IT. THIS IS A CHOICE I WON'T MAKE WITHOUT TALKING TO HER. I NEED TO DO THAT. 12 YEARS IS A LIFETIME AND WHILE I HAVE TOOLS TO HELP ME AND HEAL MY DYSFUNCTION, I OFTEN WONDER WHERE HER HEART IS, WHAT SHE'S THINKING, FEELING OR HOW LIFE IS GOING FOR HER. I GUESS I JUST HAVEN'T ASKED OUT OF FEAR THAT SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO BE FRIENDS. IT COULD BE THAT SIMPLE OR MAYBE IT'S THAT SHE DOES, BUT IS NOT WILLING TO ASK WHAT'S GOING ON. I DON'T KNOW, BUT I RESOLVE TO FIND OUT. SHE'S FUNNY, WITTY, WHEN SHE SMILES YOU CAN FEEL IT AND WHEN SHE'S ANGRY YOU JUST WANT TO HUG HER AND LET HER KNOW THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY. 

I'M ON A HEALTH AND WELLNESS JOURNEY AND THIS IS AS MUCH A PART OF IT AS FITNESS, NUTRITION, SPIRITUALITY AND ADVENTURE. ITS NO FUN BEING SURROUND BY PEOPLE YOU KNOW BUT FEEL YOU ARE THE LONELIEST PERSON ON THE PLANET. MANY HAVE CHOSEN TO LEAVE THIS LIFE FOR THAT REASON AND EVERYONE LEFT BEHIND ARE LEFT WONDERING WHY. DEPRESSION IS REAL AND IF NOT TREATED CAN BE SHOW STOPPING. REACH OUT TO SOMEONE, ANYONE AND MAKE LIFE MATTER TO YOU. FIND YOUR LIFE PURPOSE AND DON'T GIVE UP ON IT. FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY, FEEL THE DISCOMFORT OF ENTANGLEMENT AND LIVE ANYWAY, IF YOU THINK YOU CANT YOU PROBABLY WONT TRY BUT IF YOU THINK YOU CAN YOU'VE JUST ELIMINATED A LIMITING BELIEF (KUDOS) FEEL THE ANGER AND LOVE ANYWAY. BE A BEACON OF LIGHT AND EXTEND IT OUT, EVEN IF YOU FEEL THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO DON'T DESERVE IT. THIS ENERGY IS WHAT HELPS OTHERS TO IMPROVE WHO THEY ARE. THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE. PRAYER IS AS POWERFUL AS INTENTION AND WITH STRENGTH LIKE THAT, FUELED BY EMOTION, NONE OF US ARE WEAK. SO AS I CRANK OUT MY DYSFUNCTION FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, THERE IS A LESSON TO BE LEARNED ON MY JOURNEY. NOW IS THE MOST IMPORTANT TIME THERE WILL EVER BE.