THREE WEEKS AGO, I FOUND SOMETHING THAT WAS INTENDED FOR ME. IT WAS SHORTLY AFTER A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE CONFRONTATION AND VERY IMMEDIATE. IN MY MIND, WHICH MOMENTARILY SHUT DOWN, I WAS THINKING... WHO ON TERRA MAKES A LIFE ALTERING DECISION WHILE MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE. I'LL TELL YOU. SOMEONE WHOSE EMOTIONS ARE HIGH, ARE FUELED BY FRUSTRATION. THERE I WAS FULL OF MYSELF, EGO TOOK A FIGURATIVE PUNCH TO THE GUT AND AN UPPERCUT TO THE JAW AND THERE I WAS DUMBFOUNDED, CONFUSED AND YET FELT A LITTLE LIBERATED. MY EGO DIED WHAT WAS THIS? I WALKED AROUND AS IF THIS HASN'T HAPPENED, BUT IN THE BACK OF MIND WONDERING WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY LIFE. AN END OF AN ERA WAS APPROACHING AND I HAD TO PREPARE.
ONE WEEK LATER, AFTER A WEEK OF SILENCE, THE TALK CAME AND THE WORDS WERE SURREAL AND I COULDN'T TELL IF I WAS HAVING A NIGHTMARE OR IF REALITY WAS REARING ITS UGLY HEAD. IT WAS REAL AND I KNEW IT WAS COMING. I DIDN'T NEED OR WANT AN EXPLANATION, I DIDN'T HAVE A REACTION. I WAS NUMB.AS HORRIBLE AS THIS WAS IT SENT ME INTO ACTION. DAY ONE WAS THE BLOW, DAY TWO I WAS MAKING INQUIRIES AND PREPARING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT LIFE WOULD LOOK LIKE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS HELL, WHOSE POT I ENDED UP IN. BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER I JUST WANT TO NOTE THAT WHAT WE THINK ABOUT WE BRING ABOUT SO YES THERE IS AN UNDERLYING CAUSE AND EFFECT PATTERN HERE BUT THIS WAS A THOUGHT I HAD A YEAR AGO. THE PLACE I THOUGHT I WAS IN NOW WAS IMPROVED OR AT LEAST THATS WHAT EGO WANTED ME TO BELIEVE.
HOW WRONG WAS I? DAY TWO I HAD MY FIRST BREAKDOWN, OVERWHELMED WITH MAINTAINING COMMUNICATION WITH WORK AND OUR SON WHO WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORM. AFTER A VERY CIVIL AND YET ERIE CONVERSATION, I LEFT THE HOUSE FOR A DRIVE. THIS IS THE PLACE WHERE I FELT COMFORTED. IN MY CAR, DRIVING, YET WHAT HAPPENED NEXT CAUGHT ME OFF GUARD. I LET OUT THE MOST GUT CRUNCHING, BONE CURDLING SCREAM AND THE PAIN WAS UNBEARABLE. I FELT LIKE I WAS DYING. I DON'T BELIEVED I HAD FELT THIS WAY SINCE THE DEATH OF MY GRANDMOTHER AND I KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE. IN CRISIS AND I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REACH OUT FOR HELP IN THIS STATE OF BEING. I FELT SO ALONE AND KNEW AT THIS POINT DEPRESSION: 2 POINTS, ME: GOOSE EGG. THIS JUST GOT REAL.
ON DAY THREE I NOTIFIED MY PROFESSOR THAT I WOULDN'T BE THERE, I CALLED OFF FROM WORK, MY DAY... I EXPERIENCED A BRADY BUNCH MOMENT. WTF!!! IS THIS FOR REAL RIGHT NOW? DINNER? CONVERSATION? BEING KIND? WHAT KIND OF EVIL IS THIS. CIVIL IS CIVIL BUT THIS IS JUST PLAIN TORTURE. ALL THE THINGS I WANTED FOR THE LAST 17 YEARS I'M GETTING NOW, AT THE END. WHAT IS THIS? MY LIGHTS WENT OUT, MY SOUL WAS LOST AND I WAS SHUT DOWN. MY FRIENDLY FACEBOOK POSTS HAD A F/U TONE TO IT, SO I STOPPED FOR A BIT. DAY FOUR AFTER AN EVENING OF NICETIES, I RETREATED TO MY OFFICE WHERE I HAD PACKED SOME THINGS. HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING OR WHEN. NO HURRY, BUT I KNEW I COULDN'T LIVE IN THE PLACE I CALLED HOME. BREAKING DOWN WAS BECOMING A DAILY DO.THE PAIN WAS OVERWHELMING, TAKING OVER MY LIFE AND FESTERING THE UNTHINKABLE. DAYS FOUR AND FIVE WITH WORK BEING 3 HOURS EARLY WAS A RED FLAG. I WAS HAVING NEUROLOGICAL ISSUES OR SO IT SEEMED. SHAKING AND MY HEAD MAKING UNCONTROLLED MOVEMENTS MOTIONING NO WHILE SPEAKING YES, POINTING TO THE LEFT AND HAVING MY ARM IN THE DIRECTION OF THE RIGHT. NORMAL TASKS WERE NOT WHAT THEY FELT LIKE. I HAD TO GET A HOLD OF MYSELF, OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.
I WENT ABOUT THE BUSINESS OF CHECKING MY CREDIT REPORT TO SEE WHAT I NEED TO DO THERE, I CALLED SOMEONE I RESPECT AND TRUSTED HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON AND TO LET HER KNOW I WOULDN'T BE VISITING THAT WEEKEND, I SENT A TEXT TO A FRIEND THAT I ASKED TO CHECK UP ON ME IF I GET A LITTLE WEIRD AND I THREW MYSELF INTO NEW BEGINNINGS MODE. DISCUSSIONS OF DIVISION OF PROPERTY AND LIVING ARRANGEMENTS HAPPENED DURING THIS TIME AND I WAS ABSOLUTELY NUMB, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO GET OFF THIS MERRY-GO-ROUND, BUT TO JUST RIDE IT OUT. MAYBE THIS NEEDED TO HAPPEN, MAYBE IT WAS SO FRIGHTENING BECAUSE I NEVER TRULY SAW AN END TO IT ALL. I WAS LOSING A PARTNER AND A FRIEND. LOVE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. IT DIDN'T MAKE SENSE, BUT SOMEWHERE, I THINK IT DID. I HAD BECOME MORE RESPONSIBLE WITH MONEY IN THIS ONE WEEK THAN I HAD IN THREE DECADES. I FELT LIKE A GROWN UP. RADICAL CHANGES WERE TAKING PLACE, YET I COULDN'T GET A HOLD OF MY EMOTIONS. THE ENERGY SURROUNDING MY COUCH HAD BECOME NEGATIVE AND I WAS DROWNING IN IT. IT WAS NOT A GOOD NIGHT. WHILE THEY WERE SLEEPING, I WAS DYING INSIDE. I WANTED THE PAIN TO GO AWAY.
THIS WAS THE PART WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO CALL SOMEONE. I'M IN CRISIS, I'M NOT GOING TO SEE DAYLIGHT OR THE PEOPLE I LOVE AGAIN. I DIDN'T MAKE THE CALL, NO LETTER, NO INTENTION BUT AN OVERWHELMING SENSE OF EASE. THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM. I WASN'T THINKING OF ANYONE EXCEPT MY SON AND THAT IS WHY I LIVE AND BREATHE. I MADE THE PAIN ON THE INSIDE GO AWAY BY CAUSING PAIN ON THE OUTSIDE. I WAS BEING A COWARD, I WAS BEING AN ADOLESCENT AND I UNDERSTOOD IN THESE MOMENTS JUST HOW SERIOUS DEPRESSION IS WHEN UNCHECKED. I DON'T BELIEVED THAT MY SOUL WAS ON BOARD WITH ANY OF THIS. SOMETHING I CAN NEVER UNDO OR EVER FORGET. I DESTROYED MY TEMPLE AND PLEADED WITH GOD TO HEAL ME, TO FORGIVE MY WEAKNESS OF FAITH, TO TURN MY PAIN INTO WHAT I NEEDED TO MOVE FORWARD AND THEN I CLOSED MY EYES. HOW THEN DO I SEE THIS WEEK AS THE BEST AND WORST OF ME. I SNAPPED OUT OF IT, LEFT THE PITY PARTY AND BEGAN THE HEALING. PLUS MY SON NEEDED A RIDE TO SCHOOL THAT MORNING. I HAD TO HIDE WHERE I HAD GONE IN MY MOMENT OF WEAKNESS.
JUST BEFORE WEEK THREE ANOTHER THING HAPPENED. I STARTED TO LOOK FORWARD TO THE CHANGES THAT WILL BE HAPPENING INSTEAD OF LOOKING FOR A PLACE AND A GOOD DAY TO CHECK OUT. I WAS BECOMING RENEWED. THE ENERGY IN THE HOUSE CLEARED UP, I WAS FUNCTIONING THE BEST WAY I COULD. THE PAIN WAS IN A BOX I HAD TUCKED AWAY IN A SAFE PLACE UNTIL I WAS READY TO DEAL WITH IT. LIMBO WAS LIFTING. AND I WAS GETTING STRONGER. SELF DOUBT WAS LAST WEEKS STORY AND I FOUND A PLACE CLOSE TO WORK TO BRING OUT MY CREATIVE NATURE. A NEW BEGINNING, I WAS SMILING AGAIN. PLEASE DON'T MISTAKE THIS FOR HEALTH. THIS WAS AS DYSFUNCTIONAL AS IT GET. I NEVER REACHED OUT TO MY MOTHER, MY SISTER, MY FAMILY OR EXTENDED FAMILY. I DID WHAT I KNEW, WHICH WAS TO COPE AND MOVE ON. BAD MOVE/GOOD MOVE WHO KNOWS. THIS WHOLE EXPERIENCE SHOWED ME WHAT WAS IMPORTANT. HOW TO LEARN TO BE A BETTER COMMUNICATOR, HOW TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN I NEED IT AND HOW TO SHARE MY EMOTIONS AND FEELING WITH THE SOURCE FROM WHICH ALL THIS WAS RELEASED TO BEGIN WITH. MOST IMPORTANTLY HOW TO MOVE THROUGH EMOTIONAL CHALLENGES.
NOW I'M STILL. NO PAPERS TO SIGN, THREE PROSPECTIVE PROPERTIES ON HOLD, A RENEWAL OF HOPE, THE DESIRE TO MAKE NEW MEMORIES WITH RATHER THAN WITHOUT. SELF-CARE IS IN ORDER. I'M MORE ORGANIZED AND FOCUSED ON THE IMPORTANCE OF STRENGTHENING THE FAMILY BOND RATHER THAN ALLOWING IT TO DISINTEGRATE. THE RESULT: READING A FB POST THAT MY SON IS HAPPY AND HE WAS SMILING AND MY HEART EXPANDED AND HEALED AND RADIATING LOVE. HEARING THAT OUR LIFE AS A FAMILY IS WORTH FIGHTING FOR AND HAVING MY SOUL AGREE WITH THIS RENEWAL. SO WE ARE STARTING FROM SCRATCH. NOT APART, BUT AS A UNIT. WE HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO AND HAVE FOUND MIDDLE GROUND. WE ALL HAD THIS EXPERIENCE AND IT WAS MEANT TO GROW US, SHOW US AND HELP US TO LIVE AS WE ARE INTENDED AND NOT HOW OTHERS HAVE PROGRAMMED US TO LIVE. GETTING OUR VALUES IN CHECK AND TAKING EACH MOMENT IN THE MOMENT IS HOW WE WILL DO THIS. EMOTIONAL HEATH IS KEY, I FOUND THAT I JUST CAN'T FUNCTION WITH OUT IT. I HAD TO FIRST, SPEAK IT AND WRITE IT TO BELIEVE IT, BUT THEN I HAD TO EXPERIENCE AND LIVE IT TO UNDERSTAND AND HEAL IT. EVERYTHING WE'LL EVER NEED IS WITHIN AND NOT OUTSIDE OF US.
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